This way to the stars

Mom's gone now

Mom left for the States last Monday at 10am, and she won't be coming back for a year. The house feels strangely empty now she's gone. I have to restrain myself from looking for her every time I get home from school. It's funny how human nature only lets us realize how vitally important a person is in our lives after she's gone.

But I'm not too sad. Since this is the second time that she'll be gone, we're all emotionally prepared for it. Even Raj knows how to say "America" once we ask him where Mom is, although I doubt he even comprehends the concept of another country thousands of miles away from home. This time around, I'm not too scared of stepping up to the extra plate of responsibilities. Even Dad comes home earlier now (last Tuesday he got home at 8:30pm, which was really disorienting). Besides, come next year we'll have our dual citizenships; Raj can seek better therapy, Tam and I can easily get scholarships abroad, and the future will look just peachy.

Two years without Mom is a small price to pay for the rest of our lives happily and comfortably together. A small price, but painful to pay nonetheless.

I'll miss you, Mom. :(

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This is from Tammy's Multiply, posted some time after Mom left:

Today is probably one of the saddest days of my whole life. Probably even sadder than the last day of Trumpets (although masmasaya un, since I didn't breakdown in school every after 5 minutes, but enough about that).

As you'd probably know, today is July 10. Hurray. So many requirements, so little time. But today's highlight isn't about that.

Today, I go to school with a mother, and I go home without one. (Ona pangit na)

She was the first one that I saw when I woke up this morning, because, uhm, she was the one who woke me up. I asked her the day before if she can bring me to school, so that I'll have a memory of her before she... you know. We left the house at around 6 am. Pretty weird, actually. I was still thinking that when I come home, she'll be there. Stupid me.

I was pretty silent they whole time, except for the occasional coughing. I kept thinking all those times when I was still in the 1st year, when I had to struggle without her. I kept thinking of how much fun my life actually became with her around, and that I never really saw it until she left. And now, that again, she, um.... you know, I have only begun realizing how much she really means to me.

When we were already near the school, she gave me something that really really made my heartstrings tug. It was a gift, FOR ME, for MY birthday, since she won't be able to be here again for my birthday. I was touched, not because of how cute my gift was (not telling you what it is!), but because of the fact that she remembered how sad I was because of that fact. And for the first time after a whole month, I cried over something that had made an impact in my life.

So, she wiped my tears for the last time, and hugged me for what seemed like minutes. I was too reluctant to let go, and I could have sworn I felt my heart trying to burst at that moment. But alas, I had to let go. It was the only way.

So, together with my school books and some bits of dignity left, I finally gathered the courage to finally let go of her. I went out the car, and inside the campus.

And that was the last that I saw of my mother.

Right now, I'm actually finding it hard (again!) to type. I cannot count how many times I broke down and cried today. Maybe, I'll never know. There's this voice inside my head that tells me to be strong, but yet, my heart refuses, and is slowly tearing apart... again.

But wherever you may be right now, even if you are halfway across the world, you will always be with me in my heart. Even if you're not beside me, I can still feel you. I will try to be strong for you, and I will do my best to make you proud.

Right now, the reason I exist is for YOU. :)

Wherever you may go, whatever you may do, always remeber: I will always love you mom. :)

(I actually made this in an hour, since I had to go out and get some air for my red puffy eyes. Great.)

Currently Listening to: The electric fan
Currently thinking: I already miss you. :(

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This was my reply, posted on the same Multiply page. It's by far the longest comment on any page I've ever seen:

Wow chan, I never knew you had it in you to be so senti and EMO. That post read almost like one of those tearjerker novels I hate so much.

Haha just kidding. :D

Yes, Mom will be gone for a year (again). Yes, Mom won't be here for your 14th birthday. Yes, we won't have any girl-bonding/shopping weekends anymore. Yes, she won't be able to guide you through your second year. And yes, the one person who guides, protects, and loves you the most in the whole wide world is GONE.

Sad, isn't it? Makes you wanna cry, huh?

BUT...

It's only for a year. She won't be gone forever. Before you know it, she'll be back. We've been through this before, and we can wait again. I didn't say a nice goodbye to Mom on Monday morning because I know that we're gonna see each other again soon enough (besides, I'm a cranky morning person and I was running late for school). Besides, what's two years compared to the rest of our lives?

Anyway, like what your friends here said: never count the days. Instead, just focus on your studies and your Trumpets and your other whatevers, like Mom would want you to. Responsibility is the key word here - that word really really sucks...I hate it myself! *sigh*) - not just in school but in the house. Though granted I'm not as nice and sweet as Mom, I'll try and fill her shoes in taking charge of the house and caring for Raj. It's a big responsibility and I need you to help me. So yeah, I'll really be sure to get the nagging part right. :D

It's true that no one can ever take Mom's place, be it your friends or your siblings. But don't sit on your ass and wail like a baby just because she's away. Besides, I bet Mom wouldn't want us to wallow in melodramatic sadness and self-pity either. She trusts us enough to let us (the family) function without her temporarily, and that's what we're gonna do.

A great man named Arnold Schwarzenegger once said, "I'll be back!" (complete with accent). And Mom will. In the meantime, let's just suck it up, shall we? :)

Your loving, Charo. Este, Onee-chan. :)

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That's right, I now play the role of universal comforter, consoler, motivator, shoulder to cry on, etc. etc. It's one of the job requirements of being an ate/onee-chan (others would constitute nagging and bossing around). But that doesn't mean I don't need my share of comfort too. Sometimes I just get tired of putting on this brave face so everyone around me doesn't get scared. Alas, I'm not allowed to just quit; I'm now (partly) responsible for everyone in the house. At least I don't pay the bills.

I just wish this year would pass by faster than a speeding bullet. Yes, faster even than Superman.

posted by steph @ 8:20 PM