This way to the stars

I just wanna say "d'oh"

What do you do when you think you've given something your all, but it still wasn't good enough?
1) You haven't really given your best effort. You didn't try hard enough, so you try harder next time. But what if next time, it still doesn't measure up?
2) Continue giving the same amount of effort. Accept the fact that you've found your limit. But how do you know if you've found it? What if the limit does not exist?
3) Stop trying altogether, and let the world go HANG.

We just had our compa ana lab exam a while ago. Although I studied my butt off until 3am last night (night? morning?), I still kept on having superb mental blocks, so much so that I even sometimes forgot which skeleton belonged to which animal (let alone its minute parts!). Needless to say, I didn't do as well as expected; everything went fine as I reviewed the pictures and terms on paper, but the real skeletons (and the time limit) was a different challenge altogether. And this is just the skeletal system; there'll be OODLES more terms to memorize once we get to the other systems (especially the muscular and circulatory sistem). Oh joy.

That said, why am I even trying so hard? Is a number on a piece of paper worth my psychological well-being and happiness? I feel like such a nerd, what with my grade-consciousness and all, but I really can't help it. I really wish that I could just ignore people's expectations of me (myself included) and say HAKUNA MATATA, but something inside me prevents me from doing so at the last minute.

It's like having Multiple Personality Disorder (also known, to those who took the psych elective at St. Paul 2 years ago, as dissociative disorder). One of the personalities is a lazy, devil-may-care procrastinator, while another is a merciless mental slave driver. I don't know; is it conscience (wow, I actually have one? harhar)...

My motto once was "don't settle for mediocrity". But mediocrity gets more and more attractive every day. Reaching a goal means achievement and fulfillment, but the bar keeps getting raised higher and higher. It will never be enough. When will it ever stop?

I'm so tired of trying.

I wonder what it's like to live Homer Simpson's life?

posted by steph @ 4:23 PM