This way to the stars

More than that

I am more than just a DL.

It's not that I'm complaining. I'm actually overjoyed that I've made it, like I've finally seen the fruits of my long, hard, sleepless labor during the first sem. But this achievement puts the bar of expectation higher, because everyone seems to expect more from me now that I'm a DL.

For example, when someone in our family asks if my studies are going well, my dad immediately buts in "Oo, dean's lister nga yan eh", and he never fails to rub it in to everyone we meet. I understand that he's only being proud of me, but I resent the fact that this achievement has made me a like a glittering ornament to be shown and appreciated, but never understood. And of course, when somebody hears it, they say "Wow, ang galing! Keep up the good work!", which implies that they'll be expecting me to work harder than ever and they won't accept any excuse for mediocrity.

If I study until late at night, it's because I'm a DL. If I always carry a complete supply of pens, paper, staplers and erasers as if I were an outlet of National Bookstore, it's because I'm a DL. If I get a perfect score in a quiz, it's because I'm a DL. It's like my whole personality, motivations, insecurities, and hard work were simplified, made superficial, and crammed into those two enigmatic letters.

Even though I am a DL, I get sick of studying too. I too get afraid that someday I might not be able to meet the high standards and expectations that everyone sets for me. I too get afraid of disappointing people. I too want to take a break from all the long tests, projects and papers that are continually loading our backs. I too have a fear of failure. I cram and procrastinate, sometimes I copy and paste material from the Internet. In these, I am just like everybody else, and maybe my being a DL is just due to the fact that our Botany grades were curved.

In short, being a DL is not the end-all and be-all of everything. I have to work twice as hard now to maintain it and meet everyone's expectations on what I have to achieve. Everyday I'm afraid that somehow I'm going to fall short of this, what with the hellish Chem...

Don't just judge me because I am a DL. I'm more than that. I'm a person too.

posted by steph @ 4:53 PM