This way to the stars

A moment of infinite possibility

I like that title. It makes me feel so profound.

But I didn't make it up just to seem profound.

I was rereading Veronika Decides to Die by Paulo Coelho last night (or was it morning? it was 2am), and apart from the interesting insights it gave on conformity and sanity, it made me reassess my life and the way that I've been living it. The question is this: Am I a cistern that merely contains, or a fountain that overflows?"

The actual quote was "Be like the fountain that overflows, not like the cistern which merely contains." It was a quote from the Bible delivered by Mari, a character in the novel who had an extended tenure in a mental hospital because she felt comfortable living in a world where everything is tolerated and you don't have to accept responsibility for your actions because you are judged "insane". She and the other characters realize that ultimately "sanity" becomes a question of fitting in, thinking conventionally, and basically acting as though you're the same as everybody else. Sanity therefore holds down passions and dreams- passions that may seem so crazy and pointless to manifest, and dreams that may seem so impossible and unrealistic to carry out. Thus people lose enthusiasm and the will to live because they refuse to take risks and face their desires. These people are the cisterns, because they hold themselves back just to conform or to retain their dignity. And I think I'm one of them.

I was thinking about the many times that I've been presented opportunities but refused to make something about it. Would my life be more worth living now if I had taken risks and made something about them? Often I'm on the passive side, letting things take their course and hoping and praying that somehow things would happen the way I want them to.

Just two days ago I think something like that happened, and once again I didn't take action. I wish now that I had given free rein to my emotions, that I hadn't been afraid and I'd never stopped to think about reasons, consequences, or outward appearances. Because there had been a possibility.

Carlo and I were ym-ing about it the other night, and he said to me that "you shouldn't just wait for things to happen". If I hadn't waited, if I hadn't been passive, if I hadn't been afraid, then perhaps that moment of infinite possibility would touch my life and become real and concrete.

People have masks which hide their true natures and desires from the world under the facade of dignity, conventionalism, and good manners. I long to tear off my own mask to be free to express myself without limitations, without inhibitions. I long to grab the moment of infinite possibility because it isn't everyday that I have it in my grasp. However, all that I can feel now is regret...

I should have been the fountain.

posted by steph @ 12:13 AM