This way to the stars

Make a move

I just came from Marj's debut a while ago (it's now 12:30 am, the party ended at 11pm). It was really an event planned for, evident in the smooth flow of the program, the speakers' ready-made speeches, the videos from her relatives in Canada, the song and dance numbers, not least her (gorgeous!) dress. Marj must be really lucky, having a family rich enough to afford all that (in the Bellevue hotel, which is I think a five-star hotel, no less) but generous enough to spend for their only child.

The event was memorable in that in spite of my lack of energy and sanguinity due to a late-night turn-in at 4am and my early-morning call at 9am (thanks to my dad, who was pestering me about my write-up of Asialink Corp.), I made new friends. Yes, I, Steph, the quintessential dead kid and perennial sleepless zombie, made new friends in a party. Interestingly enough, they were siblings, but I never really knew that until later. One was a girl, a third/fourth year college student at the UA&P, studying education (I was amazed by that). We two were the only girls in our table, so naturally we had to bond with each other so as not to feel out of place. The other one was a guy, who I'm sorry to say tried to get me to dance in vain (me, Steph, the quintessential dead kid, dance?). He's still got the pouch that contained my bracelet, though (a giveaway from the party), since he was interested in the bracelet in the first place; I thought he might be secretly gay...But then, it seems that nowadays all guys are presumed secretly gay or unconsciously effeminate.

These events took me by surprise because it showed me how much of an introvert I really am. Does my being a perennial sleepless zombie deter me from socializing or making friends? Granted, my being a "zombie" does not mean that I do not have a brain, however damaged, short-circuited, and deteriorated (to the hapless idiot: I am making Figures of Speech); I make friends because friendship is a meaningful and rewarding experience. In other words, I don't make friends for the sake of making friends and being popular. But still, does this attitude keep me from having a social life?

Gaarg. I feel so confused.

I'm having second thoughts about being a doctor. Sure I still want to stick to the field of biology, but I thought that it would be cool to move into the field of research. It would be cool to spend time in labs, handling high-tech equipment, contributing to the general body of knowledge for the good of humankind, and getting MSc's and PhD's in the process. It would be so cool to be able to publish researches (but still about the brain though; I haven't changed about that) in books and magazines. Except that...in the Philippines, where poverty is rampant and scientific researches get scant government funding, this move would probably be suicidal. Honorable, maybe, but it would annihilate my dreams of um, future riches (the zombie IS alive, after all).

Am I losing my grip on myself? Am I losing the motivation to be proactive? Am I letting my decisions be carried away by thoughts, second thoughts, and temporary feelings?

God, I need to put some life back into my lonely existence.

posted by steph @ 12:21 AM