A few days ago, I read
"The Art of War", Sun Tzu's military treatise. As much as I was disgusted at the amorality of some of the principles he put forward (such as not providing an obvious escape route while the army is in desperate ground so that the soldiers would be motivated to fight to the death, thus leading the army to victory, to the satisfaction of the power-hungry generals and kings), I was really struck by some of the things that Sun Tzu said about knowing yourself in order to be successful in battle.
"If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle."
The battle currently raging inside my head? Will vs Imagination.
I hate my imagination. It's indispensable in life all right; sure it's what makes us human (it enables us to dream and have goals and make inventions and so on...) but these past few days my imagination is running wild and contriving fantastic scenes inside my head that invade my peace of mind. Everyday I'm besotted with delusions that I would desperately wish to come true but which I know will never happen. And somehow, I find myself deliberately blurring the line between illusion and reality in order to indulge myself in dangerous feelings. The real boundaries of the situation is so indefinite for me that it's so nice to extend them a little further, especially with my mind idle this sembreak.
It's daydreaming on steroids. And I think....I'm succumbing.
I won't say anything more here; it gets too awkward for me. Anyway, you get the picture.
I tell myself that this won't last, that it'll be over once my mind is occupied again with the mundane subjects I'm gonna be taking up in the second sem. But somehow I feel that these thoughts will have some consequences on me someday, one way or the other. The worst thing for me would be when the real secret behind these vague references is revealed to everyone, seeing that I'm really secretive about issues like this. It would be doubly worse on my part if the other doesn't share the same thoughts. But that's just the point - I don't know now, and that's where I get the liberty to create illusions and to succumb to them.
Something bad will happen out of all this. I know it.
But you're in my heart
I can feel your beat
And you move my mind
From behind the wheel
When I lose control
I can only breathe your name...My will is slowly losing the battle...
I like that title. It makes me feel so profound.
But I didn't make it up just to seem profound.
I was rereading
Veronika Decides to Die by Paulo Coelho last night (or was it morning? it was 2am), and apart from the interesting insights it gave on conformity and sanity, it made me reassess my life and the way that I've been living it. The question is this:
Am I a cistern that merely contains, or a fountain that overflows?"The actual quote was "Be like the fountain that overflows, not like the cistern which merely contains." It was a quote from the Bible delivered by Mari, a character in the novel who had an extended tenure in a mental hospital because she felt comfortable living in a world where everything is tolerated and you don't have to accept responsibility for your actions because you are judged "insane". She and the other characters realize that ultimately "sanity" becomes a question of fitting in, thinking conventionally, and basically acting as though you're the same as everybody else.
Sanity therefore holds down passions and dreams- passions that may seem so crazy and pointless to manifest, and dreams that may seem so impossible and unrealistic to carry out. Thus people lose enthusiasm and the will to live because they refuse to take risks and face their desires. These people are the cisterns, because they hold themselves back just to conform or to retain their dignity. And I think I'm one of them.
I was thinking about the many times that I've been presented opportunities but refused to make something about it. Would my life be more worth living now if I had taken risks and made something about them? Often I'm on the passive side, letting things take their course and hoping and praying that somehow things would happen the way I want them to.
Just two days ago I think something like that happened, and once again I didn't take action. I wish now that I had given free rein to my emotions, that I hadn't been afraid and I'd never stopped to think about reasons, consequences, or outward appearances. Because there had been a possibility.
Carlo and I were ym-ing about it the other night, and he said to me that
"you shouldn't just wait for things to happen". If I hadn't waited, if I hadn't been passive, if I hadn't been afraid, then perhaps that moment of infinite possibility would touch my life and become real and concrete.
People have masks which hide their true natures and desires from the world under the facade of dignity, conventionalism, and good manners. I long to tear off my own mask to be free to express myself without limitations, without inhibitions. I long to grab the moment of infinite possibility because it isn't everyday that I have it in my grasp. However, all that I can feel now is regret...
I should have been the fountain.
I just came from Marj's debut a while ago (it's now 12:30 am, the party ended at 11pm). It was really an event planned for, evident in the smooth flow of the program, the speakers' ready-made speeches, the videos from her relatives in Canada, the song and dance numbers, not least her (gorgeous!) dress. Marj must be really lucky, having a family rich enough to afford all that (in the Bellevue hotel, which is I think a five-star hotel, no less) but generous enough to spend for their only child.
The event was memorable in that in spite of my lack of energy and sanguinity due to a late-night turn-in at 4am and my early-morning call at 9am (thanks to my dad, who was pestering me about my write-up of Asialink Corp.), I made new friends. Yes,
I, Steph, the quintessential dead kid and perennial sleepless zombie, made new friends in a party. Interestingly enough, they were siblings, but I never really knew that until later. One was a girl, a third/fourth year college student at the UA&P, studying education (I was amazed by that). We two were the only girls in our table, so naturally we had to bond with each other so as not to feel out of place. The other one was a guy, who I'm sorry to say tried to get me to dance in vain (me, Steph, the quintessential dead kid, dance?). He's still got the pouch that contained my bracelet, though (a giveaway from the party), since he was interested in the bracelet in the first place; I thought he might be secretly gay...But then, it seems that nowadays all guys are presumed secretly gay or unconsciously effeminate.
These events took me by surprise because it showed me how much of an introvert I really am. Does my being a perennial sleepless zombie deter me from socializing or making friends? Granted, my being a "zombie" does not mean that I do not have a brain, however damaged, short-circuited, and deteriorated (to the hapless idiot: I am making Figures of Speech); I make friends because friendship is a meaningful and rewarding experience. In other words, I don't make friends for the sake of making friends and being popular. But still, does this attitude keep me from having a social life?
Gaarg. I feel so confused.
I'm having second thoughts about being a doctor. Sure I still want to stick to the field of biology, but I thought that it would be cool to move into the field of research. It would be cool to spend time in labs, handling high-tech equipment, contributing to the general body of knowledge for the good of humankind, and getting MSc's and PhD's in the process. It would be so cool to be able to publish researches (but still about the brain though; I haven't changed about that) in books and magazines. Except that...in the Philippines, where poverty is rampant and scientific researches get scant government funding, this move would probably be suicidal. Honorable, maybe, but it would annihilate my dreams of um, future riches (the zombie IS alive, after all).
Am I losing my grip on myself? Am I losing the motivation to be proactive? Am I letting my decisions be carried away by thoughts, second thoughts, and temporary feelings?
God, I need to put some life back into my lonely existence.
It is 2 am, and I am listening to my noisy iTunes playlist.
Finally, after weeks and weeks of conformity and mediocrity due to my settling to one of those predesigned blogger layouts, I have finally made a new one.
I stayed up late because I didn't want to leave this job hanging until the next day. It's funny how I'm so goshdarn determined on finishing a blog layout, but when it comes to accomplishing schoolwork such as an English essay or a lab report I'm such a procrastinator.
There were many things that drove me to make a new layout. Foremost of them was boredom. It's funny how I complain in the middle of Hell Week that I can't wait for the sembreak and to get my life back, but now that I have loads and loads and loads of free time I suddenly find myself at a loss of something productive to do. Hence the obsession over HTML perfection. Another reason was that I reminded myself to make a new one since I was told by a friend through YM not so long ago that he didn't like my using a predesigned layout. Oh well. Here it is, then.
So what will our beloved and supremely bored protagonist do now when she is finding herself disturbingly free of papers and deadlines? And Botany?
Agenda for the sembreak
- Make a blog design
- Make a website for Block L2
- Enroll for driving lessons and taekwondo
- Revise Asialink's write-ups and letters (and all that sleazy marketing crap
- Reread all the good books in the house (again?!)
- Watch all the DVDs and VCDs in the house (this I haven't done...yet)
Bottom line: be bored to death.
Funny how both excessive stress and excessive boredom can be so threatening to sanity.
It is in these moments, when my mind is unoccupied and idle, that I think of my mom. I found myself crying a bit, sometime after I woke up and I was lying aimlessly in bed, since I was thinking of how much I missed her and the long separation that we're going through just for the uncertain prospect of financial well-being in the future. And yet, when she called at around 6pm, I was only able to bring her up to date on the mundane events in my life; I never got to say any of these things that are bothering me now.
I know this is such a cliche, but isn't it funny how you only appreciate something or someone after they are gone from your life? Isn't it funny how the most meaningful and deeply-felt thoughts are the hardest to express?
Shucks. This post is sounding like one of those insanely forwarded emails asking you to "forward this to twenty people within one minute so that your wish will come true", or something like that.
But still, I'm not laughing.
In fact, I'm getting paid a LOT!
Apparently Ms. Evelyn So-Lao, the General Manager of Orange Innovative Technologies, Inc. (one of those people whose profiles I edited in the write-up), and my Beloved Pater thought that the revisions I made were really good. So good, in fact, that they will pay me P1000 for it!
Now that's what I call easy money! Haha! It's the easiest money I've ever earned in my life (which isn't saying much, considering that I've practically never earned anything in my life, but still). They say that they pay me big to get me motivated on editing yet ANOTHER write-up, this time regarding First Magellan Overseas Corp. Interestingly, this write-up/letter/sleazy effort to present a credible image and to sell, sell, sell was actually written by my Own Dear Uncle, the said corporation's marketing director. Editing this albeit rather long write-up would be fun; it'd be great throwing my Dear Uncle's usual criticism (usually delivered through annoying, crass humor) in his face.
Backstabbing galore! But in the meantime, I shall revel in the realization that I'm actually paid for doing easy stuff! Coolio!
By the way, the first issue of National Geographic magazine (from my mom's gift subscription) arrived this week. The articles were very illuminating; stem cell research could be so promising if only people would give up their conservative qualms about it. Also, who knew that by sending two probes to take pictures of Martian rocks, scientists could infer whether there had been water, and thus life, on Mars?
Thanks Mom! You always know exactly what I need. I miss you. :(
This time, I think I shall have to do some explaining.
Apparently, I left my cellphone at the Filipino Department before our oral report to Mr. Coroza. So, after an agonizing morning of calling and texting my own phone (thanks Tammychan for letting me use yours!), finally the guy from the Fil Dept. answered and directed me to go there.
Needless to say, before this episode I was really panicking, because I thought my cellphone had been stolen (note to self: NEVER put your phone in your pocket!). When I told my dad, he didn't go ballistic; in fact he was pretty stoic about it, except when he told me that if I didn't find it, he'll just buy me a cheap phone since I'll lose it anyway.
Okay. Punishment for carelessness received.
All things considering, it's been one hectic week. Though I did lose my phone on account of it, against all odds our group got an A in the oral report! I received a B+ on my Lit long test and another B+ on a paper. Math went badly, though (another note to self: 3P/P is not equal to 2P!). I also think that my Botany finals went badly; I mainly focused studying on respiration and reproduction, while 70% of the exam was devoted to hormones and photoperiodism, which were the topics that our teacher discussed the least.
Ah well. Maybe aiming for a DL is just wishful thinking.
Anyway, now that the semester is finally over, I can hibernate for a month! Finally, all those sleepless nights will be redeemed...
..or not. When I woke up this morning, I found a note from my dad asking me to edit another write-up, this time for the Loan Management System (LMS), a new product of the beloved Orange Innovative Technologies, Inc.
I think I am officially the youngest employee of the Asialink Group of Companies.
Isn't there such a thing called
child labor?
Self-explanatory.
This is one of those days wherein I really wish I had magic powers. Or even memory powers.
Now I can't concentrate on studying for my lit finals.
My dad just asked me to revise a write-up made by one of his employees from UP Los Banos regarding his new company, Orange Innovative Technologies, Inc.
Once again, my dad treated me like a personal secretary whose English and typing skills are free of charge. *sigh*
Of course, I am proud that he entrusted me with totally redoing his company's write-up, which will be posted in their website. The original draft made by my dad's employee was horrendous anyway, with lots of grammatical errors, wrong tenses and subject-verb agreement, and an annoying amount of redundant and vague statements that looked as though they were written by grade school students.
Example:
"Mr. [name of CEO] is started the Orange Innovative Technologies, Inc."
Ok. The draft really needed an editor, no doubt about that. But why had it been me? Didn't my dad have other employees to do it? Is this a clue as to how incompetent his employees are, especially as, after he had seen my revised edition of the write-up, he wanted me to make another write-up for another of his companies (Forbes Consultancy Corp.)?
I should really be charged for this. I want an allowance raise!
This is a serious bout of backstabbing. I. Must. Stop.
Meanwhile, I feel so doomed for my Botany lec finals later. I wasn't able to download the handouts of my classmates' reports since according to Yahoo! "the group has exceeded its download limit, please try again later". And when is later, may I ask? After 24 hours? Hello, I damn *@$%^&! need the handouts NOW since they're included in the finals!
Breathe, steph. Breathe. After 3:30 pm later, everything related to Botany can be wiped out of my brain.
An update! At last, at last!
Since it was already established in the previous post that I blog for myself, once again this entry is going to be filled with the mundane happenings in our protagonist's life.
This is the lull between two storms; more specifically, the weekend between Hell Weeks One and Two. Our protagonist set a new record for herself by sleeping for only one precious hour a day due to her preparation for the Botany lab project, the Filipino final exam, and the English and Lit papers. In fact, if you are personally acquainted with our protagonist, you may notice eyebags that are actually larger than her eyes and are as deep as the Grand Canyon. You may also notice that our protagonist undergoes short spells of alternating catatonia, anxiety, mania, and simple yet sometimes ridiculous absent-mindedness.
However, despite our protagonist's perilously low energy levels that may be compared to the low-battery warning persistently flashing in cellphones about to deactivate, she still managed to produce good results in her various endeavors. She is extremely elated, not to say ecstatic and exultant, to have achieved an A in her fourth Math long exam (which covers such inane and insane concepts such as logarithms and inverse functions) for which she only studied 30 minutes the night before, against the chaotic backdrop of Botany presentation practices in her groupmate's exploited condo. Moreover, she is extremely satisfied to have received another A in her English eyewitness paper, which is further amplified by the fact that she did not attend the consultation with the English teacher regarding the delicate form in which persuasive points have to be implicitly developed in the said paper. On the other hand, she is grieving for the mediocre result of the last Botany lab exam (which was a C+); not that she didn't expect it, since she had not studied at all for it due to her focused studying on the minute yet salient points of photosynthesis.
Unfortunately, the adventures of our lovable (?!) protagonist are not yet over (alas for the extinct sleep!). The final exams for Botany Lec, Math, and Lit are looming without the particle of assurance that the questions would be mere chicken feed, while the pressure is upon her to hone her meager ability of verbal expression in Tagalog in order to perform respectably in the oral report for Filipino, which will compose no less than 25% of her already pitiable grade.
This is the lull between two storms, the deep breath before the final plunge in the last days of her first semester in the wonderfully harsh world of college. Take advantage of it while possible, since in the next few days all hell will break loose (from both the obscure and convoluted questions in exams and the sleep-deprived brain of our protagonist).
In other words, don't expect to hear from me for the next few days.
Where is my Felix Felicis?Currently feeling: as if my dendrites and axons are not working.
