This way to the stars

I miss my mom

I miss my mom. I miss my mom.

I've never really appreciated what she did for us and for the house...until now that she'll be gone for a year. *sniff*

She was the only one considerate enough not to spare any expense on us, while not making us spoiled at the same time. When she was here, me and sis found it easier to ask for the things we need. When she was here, we didn't have to eat crummy food. When she was here, life was a lot easier, because she was in charge.

Until....now. I never realized how hard it was to have people depending on you, to have people behind your back (like my mom had)...until now. My little sis and bro are looking up to me. I'm the leader of the Baudelaire children, and I'm looking out for them. I have to be the one to see to it that all our needs are answered to. And dad isn't always here.

I hate my grannys. Haven't I said this a thousand times in this blog? They totally defeat their purpose in being here. They're supposed to be the ones looking out for us ; instead, I think WE'RE the ones looking out for them. In the malls, they just sit down and let us do whatever we like. In the house, they mostly just sit around. When they do cook food for us, it often isn't what we want. I'm the ones making inquiries on the amount of groceries left, on our taekwondo lessons, piano lessons, even the damn driving school. They let me take charge of my brother when he's crying and screaming, when the WHOLE PREMISE on their staying here is to take care of him.

They let us do the dirty work while bossing us around. And I hate it. I hate it. Lola #1 cooked burnt, bitter and alien-tasting spam for us a while ago for lunch; Lola #2 tells us to wake up when we're still sleepy or else "we're gonna get sick". I HATE THIS LIFE. I wanna get to school to get away from them, even if I have to face studying which I hate, but less so than THEM.

Sigh. I have to pull myself together. Little sis and raj are looking up to me. But still, I can't drive the feeling away.. I'm afraid...can I handle this, especially when it looks like mom's going to be away for more than a year because she can't find a job yet?

Master Yoda says: "Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate..HATE LEADS TO SUFFERING."

Spot on, Master Yoda.

I won't LET THEM ruin my life.

I can do this. I can do this. I wanna get away from here. I wanna live in the States. I wanna be independent, and have my own big paycheck, even if it'll take me 10 years to finish the damn medicine course, just so I could WALLOW IN RANK MATERIALISM, on my own. I can do it. I'll try my best.

Master Yoda says: "No!! Try not. Do. Or do not. There is no try."

Yoda rules, as always.

Meanwhile, I've been joining fanlistings and putting their icons in my profile. Just to have something to do, to take my mind off things. I can't bring myself to read a book; I've already read most books in the house (the ones left are too corny).

Hmmm. Maybe I should just make a Yoda layout for my blog.

posted by steph @ 5:30 PM